Now don't you see how the lines in this poem flow like rainbows? Can't you just feel the waves?

You should switch your major to math. Not as dangerous. Civil engineers wear hard-hat, but if concrete beam fall on head... you die! Chemistry majors, have to make bad-smelling chemicals and if make mistake, blow-up in face and you die! Math, not dangerous at all, unless allergic to chalk dust.

And that's how you get a buzz folks!

I have a mind like a steel trap--rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24 hours in a day........24 beers in a case........coincidence?

A flush is beter than a full house

80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed and the only book you neglected to read.

An American is someone who protests against a new power plant, then goes home to flip on the lights, turn up the air conditioner, open the refrigerator door, plug in the coffee maker, and sits down to see if the TV cameras had caught him protesting.

In today's stock market, 3 bonds are being issued:
*Lewinsky Bond: has no maturity
*Bush Bond: has no interest
*Clinton Bond: has no principle

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

I love fun house mirrors! Ha ha! This one makes me look real wide and fat. Oh oh. This isn't a funhouse mirror.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

There's no fool like an old fool...you can't beat experience!

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks; they're not very good.

Energizer bunny arrested--charged with battery.

I lost some face today, when I picked my nose.

Education is what survives when what has been learned is forgotten.

A little vagueness goes a long way in any sucessful business.

Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires, we could buy all those useful things like....love!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms!

If I wanted smoke blown up my pipe hole, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of tube.

If the brain was so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.

A cult is a religion with no political power.

If you want to get rid of stinking odors in the kitchen, stop cooking.

Did you know that rain is the sound of angels flushing?

Nobody notices when things go right.

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to say there.

A miser grows rich from seeming poor, a extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.

Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my Mom, I don't look at other Moms. I don't go, Oooh, I wonder what her Macaroni & Cheese tastes like.

I married Ms. Wright. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Almost everthing you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

The Road to Easy Street is hard to find.

Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Just get one of those inflatable women, but make sure it's a women though, because one time I...heeh!

Couldn't repair you're brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Any person over age 65 who drinks, always says the doctor recommended it.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was supposed to be Taco Bell, but it was called off when Soviet officials heard the new Taco Bell slogan, RUN FOR THE BORDER!

I'm going into the backseat with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

Annual drugs deaths: 'legal' drugs overdoses(558,000); illegal drug overdoses(5,200). What is the government protecting us from anyway?

The greater the lie, the greater the chance it will be believed.

That's messier than a dogs breakfast.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so I try sleeping in.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Boycott shampoo. Demand the real poo!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..........

Excuses are like asses, everyones got one and they all stink.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If everthing seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

If you choke on a smurf, what color do you turn?

Californians are not without their faults.

Good night to spend with your family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government, but there are dishonest men in National Government too.

I like the word 'indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy.

Why do terrorists want to destroy the US? Why don't they just sit back and wait for the Bush economic plan?

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

I look at kissing like this-kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and you shouldn't be forced to do it.

Support bacteria -they're the only culture some people have.

This is my 'depressed stance.' When you're depressed, it makes a nig difference on how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.